Nineteen-year-old Anoushka Dougherty completed college earlier this yr and spent the summer time months excited about her subsequent massive step – leaving residence in Kent and heading to school in Manchester. One of the main questions her mates have been grappling with, she seen, was what to do about their present boyfriends and girlfriends. To dump, or to not dump?
JULY 2019
It’s the summer time before the beginning of college, outcomes are across the nook and the time of home-cooked meals and laundry that seems to do itself is lastly ending. But although we must be fussing over budgeting and buying culinary expertise past the realms of pasta and Pot Noodle, one of the hectic choices surrounding uni for lots of people is whether or not or to not stay of their secondary-school relationships.
Speaking to my mates, I’ve discovered that some are opting to maintain relationships going regardless of the pressures of distance whereas others are ending issues before the beginning of time period.
And then there is a third group who’ve determined to go to the identical metropolis as their companions in order that they will research – and keep – collectively.
I’m inquisitive about those that are planning to maintain their present companions. Will their relationships survive, or will the romantic prospects of their new environments be too thrilling to show down?
Luke will quickly be leaving Kent to start out a level in geography at Southampton. Although uni is a welcome change, the fear over what is going to change into of him and his girlfriend, who can be learning three hours away, is intensifying. They’ve been collectively for a couple of months and Luke credit the connection with serving to him keep sane via his exams and overcome his struggles with anxiousness.
Although he’s conscious of the potential difficulties to return, Luke would not need to break off the connection prematurely. Instead, he hopes that common visits, social media and loads of dedication will assist maintain it going. He is aware of there will not be the identical degree of intimacy between them and says he’s fearful that temptation at uni might change into a difficulty.
“Trust is maybe the one thing that I am worried about going forward. I trust my girlfriend 100%, unequivocally,” he says.
“But we will each be in giant cities making new mates each single day. The possibilities of both of us discovering somebody that we maybe like extra, get on with extra, discover extra enticing, are fairly excessive.
“With flatmates, say, you will be spending on daily basis with them, moderately than the 5 hours at a weekend you will get along with your associate. There may very well be issues.”
Even so, he thinks that possibly he and his girlfriend could make it work.
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Listen to Degrees of Love, that includes Anoushka Dougherty and her mates, on BBC Sounds
Although the separation can be exhausting, he displays, it may assist take a look at the connection and permit them each to see whether it is actually value pursuing additional.
“If you go to uni and all of it works out, then you recognize you then’ve received some stable foundations to work on and a relationship that might final for all times. If you get previous the primary two years or so you then’ll know that the connection goes to work – and if you happen to do not, then that is an excellent indication that it was by no means going to work.”
Our good friend Tom thinks this can be misguided. University modifications folks, he says, so he urges Luke to finish issues before time period begins. He’s influenced by his older brother, who went to school single and fell in love there. And he notes that at college, you get to select from a a lot bigger pool of individuals.
“There can be a great deal of alternatives there and a lot extra probability of assembly the proper person,” he says.
Relationship therapist Dee Holmes, who works for the counselling service, Relate, tells me these totally different views are formed partly by how folks reply to new challenges.
“I assume for some folks beginning college brings loads of pleasure and so they can shed all that is gone before. For them, it is a new begin. And but for others, it is fairly essential to have the safety that they have for the time being.”
She provides that whereas social media might make it simpler to remain in relationships, it could additionally put a pressure on them. This is especially the case if one person turns into remoted and suspicious.
“If you are spending each evening in your room on a Skype name along with your girlfriend or boyfriend miles away, then truly you will be most likely making that loneliness and insecurity higher. Especially in the event that they’re having enjoyable with flatmates and going out, whilst you’re left questioning what is going on on.”
One method spherical this could be to go to school in the identical metropolis as your associate – which is strictly what Thea and Lola have chosen to do.
They’re beginning at Leeds Uni and their boyfriends can be at Leeds Beckett, proper subsequent door.
Thea, who has been with her boyfriend, Jack, for 2 years, says it is an ideal resolution.
“You have that sense of assist whilst you’re in the identical place, however you’ve the separation which you type of want, so you could find your ft and do your personal factor,” she says.
She notes, although, that neither her dad and mom or Lola’s are absolutely on board with the choice. They appear to concern that their daughters can be lower off from the total uni expertise.
“I assume they’re fairly sceptical about it as a result of in case your kid’s going to school you do not need to be paying £9,000 a yr for them to be hanging out with their boyfriend, or staying in mattress collectively. They say that college is the perfect time of your life and so they don’t desire their child to waste it being with their boyfriend or girlfriend.”
It’s not you…
Every yr freelance journalist Justin Myers posts a darkly humorous tweet on A-level outcomes day, mentioning that each one the excellent news may very well be the kiss of loss of life for relationships.
“I’ve been wheeling this out in various incarnations for the last eight years or so. It’s instantly relatable to anyone who went to university. We’ve all seen it happen! Most of the lovebirds in my first-year halls consciously uncoupled by Halloween,” he says.
“Most people love the tweet and laugh along, but in recent years I’ve noticed an increasing backlash, mostly from couples who stayed together and are anxious to assert their monogamy, or those claiming new students might be upset by the tweet. I’d argue teenagers aren’t humourless and are smart enough to know how things might turn out. And if you bucked the trend, congratulations!”
When it involves recommendation on sensible steps to make long-distance relationships work there are weblog posts on how usually to name, the way to construct up belief and cope with tough conditions. One is written by travel-blogger Absolutely Lucy, who stayed with her boyfriend from residence all through uni, solely to float aside as soon as they settled into the world of labor. As college students, they devoted sure weekends to couple time and despatched considerate texts and even flowers to assist maintain the connection going. They each made an effort and Lucy thinks this was the important thing.
“Temptation is the biggest question of all about having a boyfriend at university. There is a lot of temptation, if you like sweaty blokes wearing too much aftershave daring mates to down pints without being sick! Some might feel left out of all the drunken snogging and sleeping around that comes with freshers’ [week], but you’re not really missing anything! It’s possible to go to university and not sleep with everyone. It’s possible to go on a night out and go home with your girls and a greasy burger!”
Katie Broadbent has additionally written a survival information for college students separated from their companions, which incorporates sharing issues with shut mates and retaining as busy as attainable whereas aside.
She’d been with her boyfriend, Sam, for 2 years before they began at totally different universities and so they’re nonetheless collectively now that they’ve graduated. It was exhausting, however well worth the effort, she says.
“I know that lots of my family and friends have been uncertain about whether or not we might keep collectively, however our relationship is stronger than ever.
“We’ve each matured loads and been via a lot. Now we’re trying ahead to the longer term collectively. I imagine that if you happen to actually are dedicated to your associate, you’ll all the time discover a option to make issues work.”
SEPTEMBER 2019
In Leeds, freshers’ week is already over.
Thea says she has hardly seen her boyfriend over the previous couple of days as a result of they agreed to make use of the time to make new mates.
Lola tells me she wonders whether or not spending extra time collectively away from residence and their college mates may imply she and her boyfriend conflict extra, however she’s philosophical about it.
“I’d be shocked if we have been nonetheless collectively in a yr – pleasantly shocked, however I simply do not assume we can be. I do not assume it will be something unhappy, or like some emotional break-up,” she says.
And Thea additionally recognises there isn’t a assure that her “good resolution” will work.
“If you do break up up and also you’re each in the identical metropolis, or each at college, it’s gonna be more durable. But it is all the time exhausting if you happen to break up up with somebody, is not it? It’s by no means actually going to be that straightforward.
“And if you’ve spent time making an effort with new people, then you’re going to be dealing with splitting up with friends around you. You’ll be forced to socialise with people rather than lie in your bed all day playing sad songs!”
But two of my mates, Luke and Tom, have each made 180-degree turns. What a distinction two months makes.
Tom, whose recommendation was to separate up before going to school, is now pondering it is value giving it a strive along with his girlfriend, Jenny.
Luke, alternatively, who wished to make his relationship work, has simply been informed by his girlfriend that she’s modified her thoughts. He’s been dumped.
But amazingly, he would not appear too upset.
“She said it would be hard. Even though it would’ve been a struggle I was prepared to do it. But now she’s ended it and I think that’s left me more excited to start uni,” he says. “It means I can go without having to worry about anything at all!”
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Anoushka Dougherty was provided a spot at Cambridge University, however she’s mixed-race and from a state college – and solely 3% of scholars who began at Cambridge in 2017 have been black, or mixed-race with black heritage. So is it the perfect place for her? At this level, she’s undecided.
READ: ‘I’m mixed-race, is Cambridge University proper for me?’ (January 2019)